How do I suffocate the urge to continue seeking validation from my parents? It’s been something that has followed me for as long as I can remember, and I can’t seem to shake it.

I thought if I went back to school and got my GED after I dropped out, they would notice.
I thought if I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree and put myself through college without their help, they would notice.
I thought if I bought my first house, they would notice.
I thought if I raised my family and didn’t ask much of them, they would notice.
I thought if I started a business and got successful, maybe they would finally notice me.

But I must be invisible. Casper or some shit.

Because it turns out I’m just grasping for strings, reaching for anything and everything in the abyss, and they still don’t notice. Or maybe they do, but they never acknowledge it and rarely show up for me.

This seeking personality is exhausting.

I want to know how we got here, but at the same time I don’t. Is it because I have my shit together and never ask for help? Maybe it’s because I gave up trying to mend any of our relationships forever ago. Maybe it’s because we don’t have anything in common. Maybe it’s because I’m unlovable. Maybe it’s because no one wanted me in the first place.

See, that’s the thing about assumptions. When you don’t give a reason, it’s easy to play the scenario out in your head and create your own narrative about why they don’t notice or show up.

This constant need for approval has turned me into someone who feels insecure about speaking up and voicing my own opinion. Instead of having a healthy debate about an uncomfortable topic, I nod, smile, and don’t say much, because I don’t want to be the only one in the room who speaks up. I’m not confident enough in myself to be big and loud. I feel best in the shadows.

To me, the corner feels safer.

But it also feels suffocating.

I don’t want to be the silent one who never speaks up for what I believe in or hides in fear when I don’t agree with something. Some people move effortlessly in confrontation and seem so confident in their disagreements, but I feel more jumbled and messy, unsure of myself, and constantly questioning whether anyone actually gives a shit about my opinion or if it’s even worth the hassle.

This thinking leaves me feeling like a constant fraud. I am always unsatisfied and an imitation of the things I’m surrounded by.

I am silent. Afraid. Anxious. Deceptive.

Even when I don’t want to be.

This nags at me and smothers my soul. Who am I? I constantly ask myself this question. The need for validation and approval runs deep. It spills into every aspect of my life, from perfection within my business to social admiration. I want those loves and likes. I want people to notice me and praise my accomplishments.

I will please people by committing to things that drain me and make me unhappy. Living like that has created so much chaos in my life. I constantly feel like a teeter-totter, but I’m always on the ground lifting everyone up and never get a chance to bounce back up while they carry the weight.

If I keep doing what others ask of me, maybe I will be good enough.

But the reality is that external validation will never make me feel good enough. It will never fill the empty space that my parents neglected.

Chasing this expectation has left me feeling depleted and empty. Clear boundaries and uncomfortable conversations will carry some of the weight, but ultimately I have to learn to love myself through the uncomfortable spaces.

Because I am enough, just as I am.

“What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.”

― Confucius