I didn’t want to drown. Growing up in poverty, surrounded by drugs, alcohol, and people that never slept, left me with experiences I’ll never shake. But one thing I was certain about — I didn’t want to BECOME that. I wanted to take those lessons and realign my path. I wanted to go on a journey of self-exploration and find my own way.

To do that, I needed to heal my heart. But I didn’t realize how difficult that journey would be or how lonely it would eventually get. Through the arduous process of breaking away and setting boundaries, I had to learn that I could still hold space for the people I love while creating a different narrative for myself. It wasn’t always easy, and the answer wasn’t always obvious. Sometimes that meant I had to let go of people that I loved because their path was overshadowing mine, and sometimes it meant we just needed to move through life in different spaces for a while. 

Seeing the people you love and care about struggle with addiction and everything that comes with it when you have the resources available to help feels like a punishment. You want to fix it. You want to give them every opportunity to get better and come back. Sometimes they’ll even play the guilt trip card or ask for unreasonable demands of you and your time and it’ll make you feel like shit to say no when you know you can make it easier. It will make you feel uncomfortable and selfish at times. They will even remind you of how selfish you are being, at times. But that fix-it feeling is just you being selfish, it doesn’t help them get better. Both of you know that. That’s the thing about breaking away, it can easily try to take you back under when your guard is down if you’re not careful.  

You will be challenged again and again. You will have to set boundaries and continue enforcing them. This journey is never really over but here are some ways that helped me break the chain.

1. Stop Being the Go-To Person

This suffocated me for years. I was always the number one person when shit went wrong or the most extreme consequences were at stake (getting kicked out, going hungry, etc). This led me to believe that I HAD to help and fix the situation because there would be no other option. Many times this way of thinking led me to over-extending and barely being able to make ends meet for myself. This burden and responsibility was HEAVY to carry. Either they went without and suffered or I went without and suffered. For a long time, I punished myself by refusing to let them suffer. I thought I deserved it and they didn’t. Eventually, I had to learn that setting boundaries was a priority and I needed to say no if I didn’t want to feel this way forever. 

2. Set Boundaries and Don’t Sway

This part sucks, I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t. No one wants to seem like the bad guy. No one wants to come off as the selfish asshole who ‘doesn’t care about their family.’ But this part is important. More important than any other part honestly. Without boundaries, they just take and take and take until you have nothing else to give. A few boundaries I’ve put in place over the years are: Don’t bring it around me and mine and I’m not giving out any more money so please don’t ask. The second boundary was really hard to commit to because I always felt so much responsibility within that relationship. How could I live comfortably knowing they may be hungry or homeless somewhere? But I realized setting this boundary didn’t mean I couldn’t help them utilize other available resources or encourage employment. It just meant I did not have to be the bank and fund everything anymore.

3. Love Them Without Conditions

This part is for you. You have to learn to love them without conditions. Sober or using. Keeping their word or breaking promises. Showing up or flaking out. This was the best thing I ever did for my relationship with my mother. I had to learn that no matter what choices she was making I was going to commit to that relationship however I needed to feel good about it. This left me leaving my love on the table, unconditionally, no matter what. I was going to be here, without judgment or expectations. When she was ready, I would be welcoming, when she disappeared I would give her distance but remind her I was still here. This part was important for me because I never wanted my mother to get to the end of her life and me not feel like I tried hard enough. This also kept my heart and mind safe when she didn’t always show up or make time for me. I had to love her exactly where she was.

4. Give Yourself Permission

You are worthy of love. You are worthy of safe spaces. You are worthy of success. You are worthy of anything and everything you set your mind to and don’t let your circumstances set the stage for your self-worth. Sometimes shit feels unfair. It feels difficult to break away and choose yourself first, but you ARE worthy of choosing yourself first. Give yourself permission to be better and do better without feeling like you don’t deserve it because you absolutely 100% DO deserve it. 

5. Don’t Carry the Weight Alone

This is heavy. This is hard. Do not do this alone. The worst thing I ever did for myself was think I had to carry the weight of this alone. I suffered for a long time before I decided to get help from a therapist. Therapy has helped me change the narrative around so many feelings that are wrapped up in dealing with an absent parent, abandonment, low self-worth, not feeling like enough, etc. I wish I would have decided sooner that I didn’t have to act tough, hold this in, or carry all of it alone.

Know that this process is a journey. You may have your tips and tricks for navigating this really tough road, but you don’t have to do it alone. Lean in and leave room for mistakes because you will definitely make mistakes along the way. Love is tricky. Addiction is heartbreaking. Just remember, there is no right way, only whatever makes the situation bearable for you while still giving you the opportunity for growth and healing. 

Don’t dim your light trying to be the hero, you are worthy of healing and happiness.