The minutes blended into hours and the hours blended to days and before I knew it my daughter wasn’t seven anymore, she was fourteen. In between the spaces we took vacations, spent days at the river, started fostering, hustled kids to school events and sports, laughed, cried, had hard conversations, and all the other major and minor things you do as a parent. 

But I woke up one morning and felt conflicted and sad because I realized she only had three more summers left before she would be an adult. 

And it all hit me. 

We always think we have more time to do things together or plan that family getaway, but then one day we blink and they are ready to branch off, spread their wings, and do their own thing. 

In a lot of ways, it feels like I have no idea where the time went. Maybe I didn’t spend it correctly or do enough as a parent. Maybe I took on too many things when I needed to slow down and savor them. Maybe their childhood wont be as memorable or as loving as I imagined it would be. Maybe they will step out and rarely come home to visit. Maybe we will grow apart and have nothing to talk about on our scattered phone calls. Maybe I won’t have enough time to fix whatever might be broken because I didn’t realize how quickly the time would go.

Maybe I’m just scared of what it means for my daughter not to need me the same way she did when she was seven. 

We all want to be good parents. In many ways, we start out wanting to do the exact opposite of our parents, but in a lot of ways, we do things very similar to them. There have been many things and behaviors I have had to unlearn as a parent to leave space for healthier ways to navigate conflict and parenting in general. There’s no manual with all the answers, no matter how many books or blog posts you read, so trial and error has always been my best friend. Sometimes that means I fall short and am disappointed in myself, and other times it means I show up and get it right. I have always loved my kids and tried to do right by them in every decision. But why does that not feel like enough during this transition?

It’s uncomfortable to be nearing the end of something that feels completely out of your control with no redos. You either got it right or you didn’t. 

And it all seems to feel like a direct reflection of who I am as a person and who I am as a parent. Which makes me really uncomfortable to sit in. 

It’s important to make space for the parts of us we’d rather hide though. I know I haven’t been a perfect parent at all times, in every situation. I am human and I make mistakes.

But I’m going to miss the pieces and parts of my relationship with my daughter as she transitions into adulthood. As she moves through her own ups and downs while navigating what it means to grow up and carry responsibility. I know that doesn’t mean our relationship ends at this point, it just means we have to create space for new possibilities.

And change.

So much change.

But it still feels like loss.

As a child, I couldn’t wait to grow up and getaway. I daydreamed about what it would feel like to make my own decisions and have complete control and responsibility over myself. No rules. No expectations. Just total freedom. I wanted to grow up and get away so badly. 

But now that I’ve reached this milestone with my own children it feels different on the other side of it. It feels scary. Lonely. Uncomfortable. Like time is running out and I’ll never be able to get everything in before the clock runs out. I fear I’ll worry so much I’ll stay frozen while the time passes, and then I’ll wake up one morning and those minutes that blended into hours and the hours that blended into days will be gone. 

And I’ll still be here, worrying and wondering about what happens next for us?