“Even with small, everyday conflicts and disappointments, physical and emotional intolerance for discomfort is the primary reason we linger on the outskirts of our hard experiences, never truly owning the story. We disengage to self-protect.”
– Brene Brown
I have constantly asked myself the question “What do I know?” As if I’m an imposter; a fraud. Unaware of everything and unable to master anything. It can feel debilitating to constantly take inventory of everything you think you know and compare it to other “experts.”
Why constantly challenge yourself with things that don’t matter? Because it continuously feels like I don’t deserve success. It’s meant for many people, but not for me. So I will push right up to the deadline on important projects, make judgment calls I know aren’t the best decision, avoid uncomfortable things that I know will grow something to the next level, and strive for perfectionism, only to fall short and remind myself it wasn’t meant to be.
I am my own worst enemy, who keeps creating chaos in my own life. Pushing myself off the ladder when I get near the top. Typing delete on a manuscript when it doesn’t meet my standards. Constantly reading, comparing, and tearing myself apart along the way, only to be upset with my own actions.
If a client drops me, if someone walks out on me, if I miss a big opportunity, if I don’t make the cut, then I am just reminded of what I already know: I am insignificant and small.
I have a fear of success.
Even more than I have a fear of failure.
Being in the spotlight and giving people the ability to dive into the corners of my life seems scary. Putting everything out there, available for anyone and everyone, to see, judge and have opinions on seems too big for me to handle.
I fear what they will say when they find out I’m not capable of big things. I’m just a poor kid living off government assistance who doesn’t have a future. The world doesn’t want me to be anything. They want me to stay a statistic and complain about how much of a drain on society I am. At least that’s how I still see myself. Unable and without the resources. Everyone sees it and thinks it, but doesn’t say it out loud, at least not to my face.
See, these small signals sent to us in childhood carry into adulthood. They shape different aspects of who we are and who we become. They create deep seated insecurities and low self-esteem issues that start to define and limit us.
Ultimately breaking me down and creating shakiness in my core. Making me question who I am and why I’m here anyways.
It feels comfortable to stay small. To keep my head down and my voice quiet.
But it’s crippling to feel undeserving of success.
I’ve spent the last few years growing my business to where it is now. I’ve set lofty goals with big intentions, but along the way I’ve been unable to produce a large amount of growth. I’d say it’s even gotten pretty stagnant. I’ve had plans to create an online platform, but never made a single course. I’ve set marketing plans to target new customers and grow smaller aspects of the business, only to never put them in place. I’ve let my phone go to voicemail and never returned calls that probably cost me new business. I’ve been so in my head that I’ve been unaware of how toxic I’ve been to my own growth.
What if becoming successful means having more people who rely on me? What if it means a bigger fall when it all comes crashing down, because it inevitably will, won’t it? What if I fail and everyone sees?
Avoiding great things to stay small is destroying my ability to reach my full potential and be fulfilled. It throws me back into negative patterns and coping mechanisms that lead me even further from where I want to be. I am wandering through life an anxious mess, because I’m afraid of becoming something more than I am.
How is that the right answer?
It’s time to find my confidence and explore the negative belief patterns I’ve fostered for so long. A journey inward is the only answer to overcoming a fear of success.
Change is uncomfortable, but it’s worth it. I know the only way out of this mess is through.